In movies, we often see the following scene unfold: A parent walks their child to the bus stop, exchanging smiles, laughs and googly-eyed glances of love. The child waits patiently, looking forward to all the exciting things they will learn in school. When the bus arrives, the child separates from their parent with ease, turning back to wave as they ascend the steps onto the bus. As the engine revs to life, the child offers their parent one final wave from their open seat window. They smile all the way to school, their face beaming with excitement and anticipation toward their future academic endeavors.
Does this sound familiar? Probably not. Let me paint a more realistic picture for many families out there. It’s 8:33am and an 11-year-old boy has just missed the bus for the fourth day in a row. Making matters worse, he’s locked himself in the bathroom, ignoring his parents’ pleas to come out and go to school. His parents are losing their patience. They are sick and tired of dealing with this. And understandably so – they have been dealing with this for months! They run through various threats in rapid fire. If he does not go to school, they say, they will take him out of hockey, lock up his Playstation for a month and maybe even cancel his upcoming birthday party. Their son responds even more angrily, hurling insults toward his parents demanding they leave him be in the bathroom.
School refusal is no joking matter. Of all the psychosocial issues I treat, school refusal is one of the most stressful problems a parent can endure. School is an imperative part of a child’s intellectual and social development. Parents understandably worry that their child is floundering by not attending school. There is no easy path toward “school re-entry” for a child who refuses school. In the spirit of helping families struggling with school refusal, I describe five of the most important ingredients toward getting a child to say “yes” to school.
Determine the “Why”
Ironically, oftentimes in the field of behavioral health we do not have to know the root causal factors of something in order to successfully address it. In many cases, getting sucked into the rabbit hole of understanding “why” our child struggles with something can often derail the process of finding a durable solution. For school avoidance, however, it is essential to understand why a child is missing school. First and foremost, this helps us rule out a legitimate threat such as bullying. Second, the playbook changes depending on the “why.” Generally speaking, school avoidance is due to one (or a combination of) the following reasons: 1.) general anxiety around school, 2.) social anxiety around school, 3.) seeking attention, and 4.) preference and accessibility of other, more fun activities outside of school. For more information on understanding the reasons behind school refusal, I recommend the book, “Getting Your Child to Say ‘Yes’ to School” by Dr. Christopher Kierney.
Less Talk, More Action
Even the most skilled therapist in the world is unlikely to convince a child to attend school until there is a consequence system at home for missing school. This is an essential ingredient in addressing school refusal. The consequence need not be severe. Simply removing access to all privileges for that day, and only that day, when the child misses school will suffice. The child is told that their privileges will be immediately restored when they attend school, whether it be later that same day or the next school day. This may sound harsh, but children may need to experience the painful boredom of staying home without privileges to spark future, consistent school attendance.
Set up a Behavioral Contract
Using the “stick” alone is unlikely to get a child back in school. Carrots can be just as helpful. Setting up a behavioral contract for consistent school attendance can motivate a child to get back in school. A simple behavioral contract would include a list of “extra” privileges the child can earn for consistent school attendance. For example, the contract may state that should the child attend school every day for a week, they will earn a later bedtime on the weekend or a trip to their favorite burger joint. Now, I know what you are thinking, “hold up Dr. Sam, isn’t this just bribing my child to go to school?!” I’d think the same thing in your shoes, but a reward system is different than a bribe. A bribe would be giving your child something special before they go to school as opposed to having them earn it after they follow through and go to school. For example, a bribe would be promising your child they can watch YouTube videos at breakfast if they agree to go to school. In contrast, allowing them to access an extra 15 minutes of YouTube on the weekend if and only if they attend school consistently would be a behavioral contract of sorts. Lastly, it is often helpful to include expectations regarding the child’s morning routine in the behavioral contract such as getting up on time, showering, and getting dressed without parental prompts.
Foster a Sense of Belonging
Children and adolescents with a history of avoiding school often report a diminished sense of connection or belonging to their school. For these children, school is often a place where they walk in, sit through their class, and leave; devoid of any sense of community. Parents can help foster a greater connection between their child and the school in a variety of ways. Simply having a preferred adult (e.g., guidance counselor, gym teacher, cafeteria worker) check in with them every day and privately praise them for attending school can do wonders to foster a sense of belonging for a child. Parents can also encourage their child to join one extracurricular activity whether it be the school play, the Rubic’s cube club, or the football team. When children feel like they belong in an environment, they are more likely to stay in that environment. School is no different.
Start Small
A successful re-entry plan for children in “total school refusal” (i.e., not attending any school at all) often starts with small steps. As a child psychologist, I often ask the child, “is there any part of the school day you are willing to attend?” If they respond with anything, including a snarky “yah — I’ll attend recess,” I’ll reply with an equally snarky but sincere, “perfect! Let’s just start with recess.” I then work with the parents, the school, and the child to slowly build around this starting point. For example, a child is first only expected to attend recess, and then, after several days, they are required to attend the period immediately preceding or following recess (the child’s choice which one). I encourage parents to slowly but surely continue to build around this starting point until their child is expected to attend a full day of school.
