I grew up in northern Virginia, referred to by us locals as Nova. If you have ever visited Nova during the summer, you will never forget the soaring heat and unwavering humidity. Even a simple walk to your mailbox will leave you bathed in sweat. Nova has that type of unforgiving heat that brings out the worst in us. It lowers our patience, turns irritability into an raw nerve, and renders any emotional control skills we may have useless. Suffice to say, as a kid with two brothers, sibling squabbles were commonplace throughout my Summers in Nova. Of all those sibling squabbles, there is one in particular that has its place at the top of Marzouk family folklore.
One summer day many years ago, my mother brought my two brothers and me to her salon appointment. My brothers were ages 13 and 9. At age 10, I was the middle child. We sat in the lobby of the salon twiddling our thumbs while my mother got her haircut. I sat with my older brother on one couch, while my younger brother sat in the couch across from us. Between the couches was a glass table, adorned with a lone vase of flowers. Sitting in a place that was clearly not designed with the preferences of pre-teen boys in mind, we quickly became restless. Fortunately, our favorite pizza spot was right next door. My older brother persuaded our mother to give us a few bucks so we could grab some pizza to eat back at the salon while we waited. For reasons that are heavily debated to this day, my mother ended up giving me the money. As all three of us boys walked next door, an argument begins to simmer between my older brother and myself. Who should be hold the cash? “Mom gave it to me!” I declared. “But I am the oldest and she meant to give it to me” my older brother fired back. As we approach the cashier at the pizza shop, the argument intensified. As the cashier took the cash and opened the register to provide the change, both my older brother and I reached across the counter with our hands out. We both pleaded our individual cases to the poor cashier, each trying to explain why we deserve the change. The cashier, feeling awkward, ended up giving the change to me. I won the battle…but the war was just beginning. When we arrive back to the salon, we plopped back on the couches and continued our argument over who should have the change. Our youngest brother made a failed attempt to referee the argument between my older brother and me. Starving for a bite of pizza, I place the change next to me on the couch while I open up my pizza box. In an instant, my older brother snatches my change. The war is on. Next thing we knew, both my older brother and I were on the floor, wrestling and punching each other over what was likely no more than $1.50. The couches were now feet away from the usual position, and the vase ended up on the floor with its flowers scattered. Most important of all, my sweet mother, witnessing the entire event was terribly embarrassed.
My family will periodically look back and laugh about this now infamous event. The salon staff would laugh and joke about “the fight” to my mother for years following the incident. However, sibling conflict is often no joking matter. Research shows that many times the most detrimental bullying experience a child can endure often comes from within the family (i.e., a sibling). The way parents and caregivers respond to sibling conflict can make a difference for not only the child, but the long-term relationships among siblings. Sadly, however, there is no simple playbook for responding to sibling squabbles. The research on sibling rivalry is mixed and nuanced. There are of course a few nuggets that psychologists have learned over the years that can help bring peace to your home and lay the foundation for healthy sibling relationships in adulthood.
Learn to Accept the Noise
Assume a father intervenes every time his two sons find themselves in even the slightest squabble. This may provide the father with intermittent relief, but it will be short lived. Research has suggested that parents who intervene too frequently may be setting their children up for a rocky relationship in adulthood. Take the concept of “play,” for example. Free play with minimal adult supervision is critical for a child’s development. They learn in real-time the unteachable life skills of human interaction, namely conflict resolution. When siblings bicker, even if it does not seem like it, they are slowly growing their conflict resolution muscles. If adults intervene in sibling conflict too often, children are robbed of the valuable experience of learning how to solve such conflict. But I get it — sibling conflict is noisy. Many parents understandably have a low tolerance for the irritating background noise of sibling conflict. Furthermore, it is normal for parents to have a strong inherent drive to step in. However, I advise parents that in many cases, children are best served when they are afforded the opportunity to figure it out on their own.
Be a Coach Not Referee
Many parents feel a pull to throw on the zebra stripes and assume the role of referee in sibling conflict. While this can sometimes be a more convenient approach, an opportunity for a valuable teaching moment is lost. Consider the following scenario: a 10-year-old boy complains to his mother that his 13-year-old sister is hogging the television. The boy is desperate for his mother to march down to the living room and demand his sister share the television. In other words, he wants his mother to be a referee. Instead, the mother could coach him on ways to be respectfully assertive with his sister or propose a compromise. The boy may struggle with delivering this message on his own and it may not lead to a successful solution. However, with the aid of coaching, he gets the chance to sharpen his conflict management skills.
Clearly Define your Limits
There are two extreme ways of handling sibling conflict: taking a complete hands off approach or intervening at the drop of a hat. As discussed above, intervening too often is unhelpful in the long run. The other extreme, however, is no better. Taking a posture of complete nonchalance can often lead to bullying, abuse and resentment among siblings. Therefore, I often advise parents to set 2-3 non-negotiable behavioral limits around sibling conflict. In other words, ask yourself, “at what point do I intervene?” For example, it is probably a good idea to intervene anytime conflicts involve physical violence of any kind. Furthermore, parents should consider intervening when two or more siblings gang up on one sibling. These two limits provide parents with a structure of when to intervene versus when to stay out of it or assume the role of a mere coach.
Aim for a Net Positive
Many people who read this may think something along the lines of, “I fought with my brother/sister all the time and we turned out great.” I do not dispute this. Our brain has a way of blocking out many of our unpleasant childhood experiences and amplifying the more pleasant ones. While I vividly remember the infamous pizza-money fight with my older brother, I also remember playing hockey in the basement with him, recording hilarious home movies, and having epic Nintendo 64 battles. I also fought with my younger brother a lot, but we also built an entire fantasy world in an old football video game and played great practical jokes on our family members. My point is that instead of focusing too much on reducing sibling conflict, maybe our focus should be on helping siblings create positive memories together. At the end of the day, the good times can balance out the bad times when it comes to sibling relationships.
In case you are wondering, my older brother and I have a great relationship today as adults, just as I do with my younger brother. I admire and look up to him. Even today we still argue every now and then, but I like to think we have healthy ways of handling it. With that said, I’m still convinced I should have been the one to hold on to the change…
